Ramblings of a Red Bearded Blonde

The Status Quo

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 00:21:12 GMT

I had an old friend tell me a few months ago that he was, and this is a direct quote, "tired of having friends who I can't have an argument with."

His point, at least the one that I got at the time (and I'm no great intellectual like he, so I must apologize in advance for my base observations), was that he was he seemed to be intellectually uninterested in people who didn't want to argue with him about their personally held beliefs and thoughts, as they currently existed. People that held to their own status quo, whatever that meant (to him, or to them). Even if it wasn't a popular view, or truthfully, a view that matched the true status quo.

For prime example, and just so I'm not knocked for misquoting: Bears = Open Relationships.

I argued with my old friend that while I certainly know my share of bears in open relationships, I know quite a few who are monogamous. Just like I know many "non-bears" who are equally as likely to be involved in open relationships as closed ones. My argument to my friend at the time, and I still stand by today, is that, with any relationship, (gay, straight, poly, whatever), it ultimately comes down to, essentially three (ok, maybe four) people: the two in the relationship, with their own rules and guidelines of how their relationship works, and the third (or fourth or fifth and so on) who choose to explore sexuality with one or both of the guys in the relationship. And if you don't agree with an open relationship, guess what? You don't have to have sex with either one of them. Period. Anything beyond that, is really, none of your fucking (pun intended) business, any more than you would want anyone peeking behind your closed doors to see what goes on in your bedrooms.

My old friend argued that the third person had to mold to fit the relationship, and that this was unfair to that person. While I would not go so far as to say it was unfair, I could agree that this poses a challenge for the third (or fourth, whatever your personal relationship equation entails...perhaps better term would be "outsider"), but that, in the end, that challenge could simply be rejected, by not taking part. And that was ultimately their (the "outsider's") decision, in choosing to involve themselves in that relationship, to whatever the extent. This went on and on, back and forth and back again, around and around in circles, because there was no arguing with my friend, as his views were frozen in space and time. And frankly, that's fine. I was okay walking away disagreeing with him, because that is my personal opinion and he has his.

However, what I came to realize over the next stretch of time had passed (after this rather heated conversation, where nothing I could say or argue would sway his opinion, which, basically, my thought is if you're going to argue, shouldn't there be some kind of give and take? Otherwise you're just arguing for argument's sake) was that if someone disagreed with him, but didn't (or wouldn't) waste their energy defending that position to him, than that person's opinion essentially meant nothing.

Nothing.

I found it kind of funny at the time, that it seemed to be an intellectual challenge for my friend to argue a point with someone, but more importantly, it seemed to me, to win. As if junior year speech class was still in session, and that we were being graded on our performance. Especially with someone who was so unlikely to change their view. I compared the exchange to daily news talk shows, where conservatives and moderates or liberals will argue both sides of their point of an issue as loudly as possible, in the hopes of being heard. More often than not, both parties walk away feeling like they are still in the right. And regardless of how the viewers at home feel about the issue they've just seen debated, will it change their minds? Maybe, maybe not. Enlighten? Maybe, maybe not. But really, isn't it all just entertainment to watch two virulently opposing sides disagree so vehemently on an issue neither side will budge on? Bingo.

Once I came to that conclusion, I decided that while I don't mind an argument or disagreement over a personally held view at all, be it from friend or foe, I don't need to fight or argue with my true friends to show my intellectual superiority over them, giving me an advantage that could allow me to then look down upon them. And I don't need to argue with my friends to prove that they're any more interesting or worthy than other friends who I don't fight with, fighting just to be contrary, to show how above it all I am, above the so-called status quo. The best friends, I find, are ones that you don't have to argue with, but ones you can level with, agree with at times, and disagree with at others, but those disagreements don't define the relationship, they are merely elements of it.

It wasn't long before this old friend became a so-called friend, one who even went so far as to attack me personally (but was careful to put it oh-so-subtly, not naming names, because that would be actually taking a stand, and yes, I'm doing the same thing here by not naming names, but after listening and taking the abuse, silently long enough, I think I'm fairly justified), over an issue that had absolutely nothing to do with me at all. I won't lie. It hurt me to be attacked, when I had previously considered this person a true friend, someone whose opinions and thoughts I loved, even when they clashed with my own. I would have done a lot for him. In a very short amount of time, I have gone from hurt to anger and back again. This felt (or feels, depending on what moment you catch me) like, pardon the obvious cliche, a knife to the back, a deep, ragged wound that keeps healing and re-opening. The fact that I still care this much about what this person thinks about me and my loved ones only tells me how close I considered him a friend.

But over time, I look back and remember that last argument we had, over the ability to have an argument in the first place. I never thought any less of him for disagreeing with me, but the whole time, he thought nothing of me, because I disagreed with him. I was merely a symptom of his own disappointment and disillusionment with other people, entire communities even, all casually labeled as beneath him, as less than "human beings", with actual feelings and thoughts. I was just another "bear". Therefore, dismissable. To be lumped as one thing. To be categorized or placed in a box. Despite every single difference, every single quirk or contrary, individual, characteristic emotion or thought I've ever had or known (or shared with him), and the same follows every single person who has ever called themselves a bear, or considered themselves part of the bear community, in "present" or "post" tense. It's all a collective to him, our own private knitting circle, who tsk-tsks anyone who dares to disagree. According to him, We Are Borg.

And when I look at it like that, at how short sighted his thinking has become, the astounding number of ways he's found to justify his position, I pity him. I pity his loneliness. I pity the way he has brought this on himself, shutting people out of his life, people that genuinely cared about him, even going so far as to see their caring as "self-serving". I pity the way he looks down upon anyone who associates themselves with bears, whether they're going to a fairly decadent event like Lazy Bear or Southern Decadence and cutting loose, drinking, dancing, and perhaps fooling around with other people, open relationship (or not), or those folks simply going out to a casual movie with the Moviebears, surrounding themselves in a dark theater with friends.

And the kind of person who judges a group for going out and having fun, enjoying their lives? Those are the kinds of "friends" I'd rather not have, the kind that have to be contrary to show how above it all they are. Maybe that's just my status quo.

But what do I know? I'm just an adult acting like a 15-year-old, with my penchant for comic books, video games and dance remixes. What could I possibly know about anything?

Wanted

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 06:43:50 GMT

I wanted to like it, even though I went in with low expectations.

Really, I wanted a mindless break for two hours, a way to turn off my brain and not to think about my friend, someone I love, who is Not. Waking. Up. and things are looking worse and worse.

And for the first half, I was somewhat entertained. Granted, it was wildly over the top, but kind of cool in playing by its own rules. I was going with it. But about 2/3rds of the way through, there's this train vs. car chase sequence that came into play, and I could pinpoint the exact moment on-screen, when the train brakes were pulled, and the rest of the movie was shattered glass and bullets coming out of the backs of heads and so much blood, ad nauseum, the complete disregard for human life (villain or innocent) was so overwhelming, the effect was so numbing, I wanted something else.

To get the fuck out of that movie theater.

I hated that movie.

And the truth is, I don't know if I'm feeling overly sensitive to what I was seeing, or if it was just a pessimistic piece of shit about a guy with a lackluster life becoming an unlikeable, amoral, asshole killer.

I'm going to go with the latter.

Prayers please

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 19:17:53 GMT

downshifft already posted this today, but I wanted to put it up as well.

I found out late last night that my friend and ex-lover Vince had a stroke and went into a coma a couple of nights ago in Las Vegas, and I don't know anything. I emailed him a month ago, and things seemed to be going pretty well for him there. I'm stunned and sad and more than freaked out, and wish I knew more. Thanks for calling me last night Geoff.

Any prayers and good thoughts you can send his way today would be appreciated. Thanks.

iWanna...

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 19:33:55 GMT

Stay at home and play with all of these new features! Holy crap I love the applications store! Why didn't I ever jailbreak this phone before?

OK, fredtheplumber and glovercom, I get it now.

Oh, and I Didn't Want To, But...

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 20:08:08 GMT

Meant to say thanks for the LJ input/advice/et cetera on the current beard status post. Got wrapped up in Pride and 4th of July stuff, like Pink Saturday, dancing at various Pride festivities, camping up in Guerneville, getting tackled 25 times for a Margaret Cho promo clip...more to come on all of that.

I rocked that goatee as long as I could, and was going to keep it going through at least Lazy Bear, if not Burning Man. But then a random client fair popped up for next week, and I knew I was going to have to go back to a somewhat conservative look for it.

*le sigh*

I'm pretty sure Fred likes this better anyway. Someday I'll give it another go.

Donkey Punch

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 19:58:54 GMT

I've been reading about this British import from Empire magazine for a few months now, and it sounds completely up my alley: young, rich, beautiful 20-somethings' drugged out sexual experimentation ends up in murder/mistrust/chaos. The most recent Empire magazine has centerfold shots of the cast beautifully posed on one page, and beaten bloody, trying to strangle/cut/kill each other on the next. Looks like a lot of fun.

Here's the trailer, finally making its' way stateside sometime this summer.

Thanks for the heads up Best Week Ever!

Cut This Puppy?

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 18:38:59 GMT

I've been growing my beard (articularly the goatee and moustache) for Burning Man, which is now two months away. As it gets longer and longer, the more I've had to do something I never thought I would do: maintenance.

Once my beard gets to a certain point, it does this crazy wavy thing that makes it look like there's a dent, almost like a cleft chin.

Progress:

And another angle:

I talked to an acquaintance who works specifically on beards, and he advised that I would have to (*shudder*) blow-dry my beard, while combing it and applying conditioner. And to a certain extent, its been working. The dent is gone. The hair is noticeably straighter, though it's still got some waves in it.

But, the blow-drying has also turned my beard into a small poofy animal. And it's driving me a bit mad, not having it, but the daily (sometimes twice daily) maintenance just seems too much, especially given I am not going to be able to maintain it in the same way on the Playa.

What do you think? Trim the sucker? Grow out the moustache? Keep the goatee long and trim everything else?

I'm stumped. But I think I'm ready to cut. I need one of those nifty icons like reslbear has for various beard topiary.

View Poll: How to Cut It?

San Franciscan Friends List

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 15:21:38 GMT

Hey fellow SFers...I have 2 FREE tickets to Wall-E tonight at the Century 7 downtown at 7pm with the Moviebears. Something big has come up and Fred and I can't make it so you get to benefit!

First response gets them (comments screened)!

UPDATE: Jeb is taking them!! Thanks everyone.

Who Throws the Bouquet?

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 18:42:40 GMT

Yesterday, my buddy James and I drove an hour north to Guerneville to attend a wedding ceremony between our friends Harry and Allen. Technically, the guys got hitched in a more intimate ceremony in San Francisco on Friday, but this was a larger ceremony held at the Drumm estate, where the Sunday afternoon Lazy Bear closing party takes place every August. The weather was roasting, so the massive pool in the back was a great place to sit and relax while waiting for the actual ceremony. Steve/rootbeer1 and I had a nice time chatting and enjoying the floating "pool oasis" with Peter/rockerdudesf. I also got to meet the handsome and very nice Peter/peterinoakland.

After a couple of hours of lounging about in the pool, Harry let everyone know that the ceremony would be in about a half hour, so I changed back into my Hawaiian shirt and shorts. The grooms had requested very casual dress for the event, which turned out to be a good thing considering the 95 degree weather. The ceremony was very sweet and simple, with Harry giving a written speech about Allen, one that he thought he would need his reading glasses for (he managed to get through it without them), Allen giving a shorter (but no less eloquent) speech about his love for Harry, all the while Noel/noelbear holding up his iPhone so that Harry's mom, who could not attend, could hear the whole ceremony.

Harry is Jewish, so there were some traditions placed into the ceremony in that respect, but largely, the affair was non-faith-based, but encompassing of "all religions". I told myself I wouldn't cry, but watching it happen, well, it was all a bit overwhelming. Thank God for sunglasses and waterproof Mac eyeliner! Mazel tov!

This was my first gay marriage invitation, and I know it won't be my last. There's no way to express how exciting it is to be a witness, even from afar, to the joining of people whose love for each other is so obvious, those who belong together, who deserve the chance to have their relationship legally recognized.

Congratulations to Harry and Allen!

Congratulations to Tom and Morgan!

Congratulations to Dave and Alonso!

I couldn't be happier for all of you, and only wish I could have been there for all three.

Booked!!!

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 18:04:37 GMT

I'm officially registered!

(Yes, I'm being cryptic.* No it's not for a marriage license...that would be "we are officially registered." Still, no.)

* I promise I won't be cryptic for long, but right now I am keeping this close to the chest.

100 Things

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 02:26:53 GMT

Behind the cut is a list of 100 things. Bold out the ones you've done.

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said I love you and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Called in sick when you were not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign from uncle sam
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign governments official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your CDs or DVDs
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Lets Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made you dizzy
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice

Animoto.com

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 00:02:15 GMT

Bearcelona Remixed!

It's a start.

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 18:35:04 GMT

Shhh...without a permit, or a license, I parked Khan yesterday.

Wait, make that parallel-parked. OK, so there was no car in front of me, but nonetheless, this was a Very. Big. Deal.

Fred was putting his check in the bank and had double-parked in front of another car. When the car we were parked next to pulled forward (she was parked in front of a driveway so she had plenty of room to get out), I thought about the blocking of the space, hopped out, crossed my fingers and said a little prayer (please hit nothing, please hit nothing), and did it.

Surprisingly easy. Fred was actually walking around the corner while I was doing it, watching with a big grin on his face. He asked me if I wanted to drive (about 7 blocks away) home.

Whoa...let's not be hasty. I got back in the passenger seat.

But still, it's a start.

The Boardwalk!

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 20:38:52 GMT

DSC05453.JPG
Originally uploaded by Bigreddee

Last weekend, Fred and I went up to Santa Cruz to visit our pals Diego and Andy, and spent a day at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, with pals Dave, Scott, Scott, Andy and Diego walking the boardwalk. TONS of Dad Safari, but with the crowds (on a beautiful sunny day), it was too difficult to get off any Safari shots. Still, we had a great time riding the coasters and eating bad carnival food.

That night, we played a very drunken game of Uno Attack and passed out at 1 in the morning. Sunday, we headed over to Santa Cruz Pride, a decidedly low-key affair, before heading back early on for the R.E.M./Modest Mouse/The National concert. A fantastic weekend with friends...here's a photoset!

Finish Him!

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 15:48:55 GMT

I would say this is borderline NSFW (with headphones on you should be fine):

Mortal Kombat meets...Well, I don't want to ruin the punchline.

Mortal Kombat - Finish Him on FunnyOrDie.com

In other news, I think I need a video game based icon. Preferably something animated and awesome.

A Rare Political Post

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 06:10:48 GMT

Guess what? Shocker...I'm voting for a Democrat in November.

The guy (yes, I said guy) I voted for in the primary is the Democratic nominee. So, yes, I'm kind of happy about that.

Don't get me wrong...this is not going to become an Obama "love-fest", as some have put it, or a chance to bash Hillary or her biggest fans. Just a simple thought.

It's time for Hillary, as ego-deflating as it might be for her, to get back to work at her other job. You know, the one she actually won. And while she's at it, jockeying for position as Obama's natural choice as his Vice President by not conceding the loss, by continuing to divide by pointing out how close she got, is not the way to get the job. Second place doesn't guarantee you the VP slot. Now, I've been following along, ready for whatever result came out of this. Liking both candidates for different reasons. On a certain level, I've always liked Hillary. But right now, I am angry that she didn't concede last night. You know, on a base level, I get it. She got thisclose. And if she had won more primaries, I would have voted for her come November. But again, she didn't.

With a lack of concession, I do not want her sharing the ticket. It was not a graceful move, at a time when real grace is required. And if Obama had lost in the same way, I would say the same thing about him.

Besides, I'm already worried enough about my guy's safety enough as it is.

I still like her, and I would have voted for her if she had been the nominee. But she wasn't.

We watched the HBO movie Recount tonight, and it was as good as I'd heard it was, with great casting, acting, direction, and writing. It was also exciting and maddening and a sad fucking reminder of a not too distant past, and what pride-filled people do when they don't get what they want. They fight. But the difference here is, the fight back then had to do with votes not being counted, voices being silenced. This fight, without a concession, is all about ego. People's voices were heard this time (and let's not even bring up the Florida/Michigan states, ok? Obama wasn't even on their ballot because of the rules the Democratic party set up), and someone won. Look, again, it was close. But a clear winner has been decided. And now it's time for the equally qualified runner-up to put a smile on, and concede a hard fought race.

Hillary, if there's ever been a time for you to step up and show some grace, it's right now.

The National @ The Greek

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 02:53:44 GMT

They opened for Modest Mouse, who are opening for R.E.M. They were
Fucking Great!

Modest Mouse? Meh.

R.E.M. next!
Sent from my iPhone!

Zack and Miri Make a Porno...

Sat, 31 May 2008 15:47:43 GMT

...and I will be first in line.

(Clearly, this teaser trailer is NSFW.)

It's Not A Castro Theatre Film...

Fri, 23 May 2008 02:00:56 GMT

...until the organist begins to play!

Sent from my iPhone!

Confession

Thu, 22 May 2008 21:00:52 GMT

I'll just put it behind a cut, because there's a part of me that is a little ashamed.

Yes, I did vote for David Cook at least 100 times (my iPhone only recalls the last 100 calls, but I can't say how many more times I voted beyond that in a 2 hour period. Call it my anti-Archuleta vote or whatever, but I've been secretly rooting for Cook all season long.

Yes, I did buy his single today. I wouldn't have bought the one he performed on Tuesday night, but I really liked his coronation song. And I loved his Guitar Hero commercial...Archuleta's just looked wrong. (Boxers? If you're gonna parody, go full-tilt.)

(And yes, it sucks so much that Carly was so awesome last night in every song she was a part of. It only showed that she belonged there at the end...yes, I'm bitter that she didn't go further.)

So there ya go. I admit it.

Woohoo!

Sun, 18 May 2008 03:57:28 GMT

Next best thing to a drive-in.

Sent from my iPhone!

Movie in the Park!

Sun, 18 May 2008 03:11:36 GMT

They are showing The Wizard of Oz in Dolores Park tonight and a bunch of us are sitting under the stars., drinking beers and chowing down on munchies. Great way to spend a Saturday night!

Sent from my iPhone!

All Done!

Sat, 17 May 2008 23:42:00 GMT

All Done!
Originally uploaded by Bigreddee

Man, I'm not going to lie...it's like 1,000 bees stinging my back right now. But it looks great!

Halfway There

Sat, 17 May 2008 23:41:00 GMT

Halfway There
Originally uploaded by Bigreddee

Almost done...thank God.

The Tat Outline

Sat, 17 May 2008 23:40:21 GMT

The Tat Outline
Originally uploaded by Bigreddee

My birthday present came today...Here's the beginning of it.